Grandiosity, Shame, and the Question of Compatibility

In my work with couples, I assess self-esteem in conflict. Does the client go one up over their partner in grandiosity, as in: there is something wrong with you, or does the client go one down into shame: there is something wrong with me?

As couples therapist Terry Real says, the feeling present in both positions is contempt. In grandiosity, the contempt is directed towards your partner. And in shame, the contempt is directed towards yourself.

The more couples I work with, the more I notice the different flavors of grandiosity and shame. One very nuanced aspect of how it shows up is when the individual, during conflict, questions the compatibility of the partnership. (I am not referring to when one has serious reasons to contemplate ending the relationship, even in periods of relative calm.)

When the thought arrives—he is not for me, she is wrong for me, or this marriage or relationship is not meant to be, this marriage was a mistake—this can be a move towards grandiosity or shame disguised as self-reflection.

In grandiosity, the partner’s energy is: she isn’t worthy of me, my time, my effort. He must do what I need him to do—otherwise what is he worth to me anyway?

In the shame direction, the compatibility question is a disguise for: nothing I do is right, she is going to leave me, I need to convince him that I am worthy and that I am what he needs.

One is easily fooled into thinking they made the wrong choice for a spouse, and then they quickly create a narrative for why this is so.

Going into grandiosity or excessive shame in conflict is dangerous territory in any relationship, but when it comes along with these questions, it can instill unnecessary doubt in the relationship. Expressing these thoughts to one’s partner when they are not coming from a considered, integrated place—one that has been reflected on, explored, and informed by guidance over time—can bring about a lot of pain.

When this pattern is present, the work is not to immediately answer the compatibility question, but to slow it down. What is happening between us right now that is so uncomfortable it makes the relationship itself feel questionable? And what would it be like to hold the problem as something happening between us, rather than something located entirely in me or entirely in you?

Over time, couples can learn to recognize these swings into grandiosity and shame not as insights about the relationship’s fate, but as signals of dysregulation and disconnection. From that recognition, the task becomes less about deciding the future in the middle of conflict, or rewriting the past, and more about returning to a place where two people can actually see each other eye to eye again.